The Villain Series 1: Role Call
by s3xiNERD
Summary: Multiple villians get together to create the top villain squad but what happens when they are all just too different. Will operation destroy fail or succeed and will our heroes die or live?
1. Villain Series 1: Role Call

**The Villain Series**

Book 1: Roll Call

In the deathly hallows, lurks a group of villains who join together to destroy their undefeatable heroes.

Voldemort : Alright, are we all here? I suppose I will do role call. Osama Bin Laden?

Osama : Kill the Americans!

Voldemort : Ok…? Darth Vader?

Vader : (Looking at Osama) The force is weak with THAT one…

Osama : SILENCE! I KILL YOU!

(Darth uses the force to choke Osama)

Voldemort : Knock it off Darth!

Vader: My apologies, my lord.

Voldemort: Naraku?

Naraku: I am present.

Voldemort: Adolph Hitler?

Hitler: (mumbles in German to self) HI HITLER!

Voldemort: *sigh* What did he say?

Vader: Destroy the rats…Go Hitler…

Voldemort: Ok…So I guess that leaves Cronos the Lord of Time.

(Vader looks around in silence and doesn't see him)

Uh…Where is he?

Naraku: He was too big to fit in here so he's listening from outside.

Voldemort: We're supposed to be in hiding! Is he at least hiding in the trees?

(Naraku peaks outside the window to see Cronos easily seen by a paper delivery boy who runs in fear)

Naraku: …Uh…yes…

Voldemort: Very well. We shall commence operation DESTROY! Ah. Here comes one of my faithful spy's.

Vader: (Vader whispers to Hitler) Ten bucks he's on the good side…

Hitler: Hi Hi!

Snape: My lord, Pettigrew is…(looks around in confusion) uh…

Voldemort: Well, Well Severus. I have never before seen you speechless. 'tis intriguing.

Hitler: (mumbles to self)

Voldemort: What did he say?

Darth: Whose that?

Voldemort: My servant.

Hitler: Whatchibaba?

Voldemort: My Servant.

Hitler: Whatchibaba?

Voldemort: MY SERVANT!

Hitler: Whatchibaba?

Voldemort: MY SERVANT DAMNIT, AVADA—

Snape: My LORD?!?

Voldemort: Pardon me…lost my temper…

(Long awkward silence)

Hitler: …Whatchibaba?


	2. Villain Series 2: Big Red Enemy

Severus Snape walks through the halls of the Deathly Hallows for something unknown when he hears screams coming from the "Special Planning Base, SPB" or the bathroom. He walks into this room and see's all of our villains running and screaming with tears welling from their eyes.

Naraku:It hurts! It hurts....so bad!

Cronus:Oh the pain! I now feel pain!!!

Voldemort:I wish for death! OH HOW I WISH FOR DEATH!

Darth:The force did not foresee this evil!

Hitler: (Screams in German)

Darth: He's right! WHERE IS A GUN WHEN YOU NEED IT!

Voldemort:I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS! BUT IF IT MEANS DEATH...SO BE IT!

Osama:AHHHH! ZE HORROR!

Severus, horrified by this unknown evil looks around to find the cause and discovers a pack of Big Red gum on the floor with gum scattered but no wrappers. Realization dawns on his face as he finds their foreheads with the empty wrappers stuck on.

Snape:...You guys are sick...

Hitler:(On the floor, grabbing Snape by the robes) Ni hichei!!! ni hichei!!

Snape:...yea...

Severus leaves them to their tears.


	3. Villain Series 3: Red Hot Dirty Deeds

In the halls of the deathly hallows, Darth Vader accompanied by the demon Naraku are in deep conversation when they pass a closed door only to hear shrieks of pain coming from beyond the wooden barrier.

Voice 1: Noooo! Don't! Please...I beg of you...

Voice 2:Stop struggling! I can't do this if you keep moving! It will all be over soon so hold still!

Voice 1:But it burns...it burns....so bad! It just shouldn't be there....So...unnatural...

Naraku:What the hell is going on in there...

Voice 2:Severus please! It actually feels good after a while...you'll like it!

Voice 1:No, please my lord... it will hurt...Oh god no!!!!

Voice 2: Yes...that's it my pet...feels good now doesn't it...yes, so good!

Voice 1: (crying now) No...no it...so wrong...i feel...so dirty...

Darth:WHAT THE HELL?!?

On the other side of the door, Voldemort forces a Big Red wrapper onto Snape's forehead as he cries.


	4. Villain Series 4: The Frosting

In the kitchens of the deathly hallows, the villains stare at one strange Adolfe Hitler as he talks...to a cupcake.

(Hitler mumbles in German to a cupcake)

Vader:I really do wish I could not understand him...

Voldemort: I know I'm going to regret asking this...but what is he saying now?

Vader:*sigh* He's saying "I will have my way with you in 2 hours...time is not on your side! If I had a spoon this morning then you wouldn't even be here right now!

Voldemort:...uh huh...knew I was going to regret asking...i almost wonder what goes on in that head of his...

~In Hitler's Mind~

Hitler:...you wouldn't even be here right now!

Cupcake:I don't know what you're talking about.

Hitler:Tell me where you've hidden the Jews!

Cupcake:Never! You'll never pry it from my frosting!

Hitler:I'll only ask once more. Tell me where they are...or say goodbye to your DELICIOUS SPRINKLES!!!

Cupcake:NOT THE SPRINKLES! No! I don't care anymore...take the sprinkles, but I'll never tell where they hide! NEVER! And your mother never loved you! You suck at art and that's why you never made it into that fancy art school! Your unloved! Unwanted! Nobody likes you! Look around you! They barely put up with you!

Hitler:Nooooooo!

~Real World~

Hitler is now crying and mumbling in German to the cake

Darth:I really wish I didn't know...*sigh*

Voldemort:...What's he saying now?

Darth:Do I have to?

Voldemort:I know I know but you're the only one who understands him...

Darth:*SIGH* "my mommy did love me"

Hitler crawls over to Lord Voldemort

Hitler:(mumbling in German)

Voldemort looks at Darth Vader expectantly

Darth:"You like me don't you my lord?"

Voldemort:*sigh*...sure...


	5. Villain Series 5: The J Word

Book 5: The J Word

Somewhere in the small world of Best Buy Technology, We find Vader out looking to steal…He hem… Looking to BORROW a brand new laptop.

Darth: How much does this one cost?

Worker: Oh, that one cost's about $1,500.00 but if you want we can add a whole hard drive for just an extra $300 and ofcourse then there's the warranty-

Darth: And this one? What is the cost of this one?

Worker: Huh? Oh um the XP? That's about $2,500 but there's also the tax that's not inc-

Darth: I want it.

Worker: Really? Well ok then let's just take it over to the register and-

(darth Waves his hand in front of the workers face)

Darth: No. You will give it to me for free…

Worker: I will give it to you for free…

Darth: Along with all expensive hard drives, and video cards and sound cards…

Worker: …Hard drives… *drools*

Voldemort: You did it again didn't you?

Darth: Shut up and get in the car before they catch on.

~2 hours later~

Back at the deathly hallows, Vader attempts to put the computer together.

Darth: ARGGGRRRRRRR! It's being all Jewish again!

Hitler: AHHHHHH (continues to scream in German)

Voldemort: What'd he say now?

Darth: Huh? Oh he said "Oh no, the Jews…They're Here!"

Voldemort: Blast it Vader, I've told you not to use that word!

Darth: What word…Jew? *smirk*

Hitler: AHHHHHHHHGHHHHHHH!

Voldemort: Shut up, damn it!

Darth: …heh…

Voldemort: What?

Darth: Tomorrow..heehee…it's holocaust remembrance day…heeh…

Voldemort: And…?

Darth: I'm celebrating it.

Voldemort: Why? You weren't even there.

Darth: I know…Hee… But I'm looking to make a profit by selling meaningful merchandise.

Voldemort: *sigh* Ok, I'll bite. How?

Darth: I made hitler dolls and I'm selling them with easy bake ovens for the Jews to stuff him in for a feeling of vengeance!

(Hitler stares in fear)

Voldemort: I think he heard you…

Darth: Oh please, he doesn't understand English.

Hitler: …mama…


	6. Villain Series 6: The Death

Book 6: The Death

Osama runs around with Snape's potions duck taped to an alarm clock. He has been screaming in another language for about 10 minute's now and no one has figured out why.

Osama: SCREEEEEEEYEEEYEEEYEEYEAAAAA!

Voldemort enters.

Voldemort: What the bloody hell is he doing?

Darth sitting on a nearby couch responds dryly.

Darth: Screaming.

Voldemort: Yes…I can see that, but why?

Darth: He thinks he's created a time bomb using random potions. He said he's trying to be a suicide bomber…

Voldemort: Why?

Darth: To hell if I know…Wait… (Darth waits to be dragged away but is in seemingly safe hands)…ok.

Voldemort: Why would he want to kill himself when he can live AND conquer the world.

Darth: Wish I knew…oh wait no I don't.

Snape walks in, and points his wand at the running target.

Snape: Avada Kedavra!

(Body drops)

Voldemort: WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?

Snape: …He said he wanted to die…was he not supposed to?...Well, he wouldn't shut up!

Darth: It's okay.

Voldemort: WHAT?

Darth: I like him better this way…it's quiet.

(Naraku walks in, with Lucius Malfoy and Peter Pettigrew following)

Naraku: Wow he's dead.

Lucius: Who killed him?

Peter: I bet it was Snape.

Darth: Naraku's a man?

(everyone goes quiet and stares at Darth)

…

…

…

(Hitler runs in)

Hitler: JEWS!

Voldemort: SNAPE DON'T YOU DARE!

(Snape lowers his wand)

Snape: …..mkay… *pout*


	7. Book 7: Auditions

Book 7: Auditions

Our villains hold a secret meeting in the cold rooms of the deathly hallows, where spiders crawl and rats shit everywhere; then Vader eventually brings up some shit about OSHA regulations. Anyway, there in the Hallows you find the leaders of evil sitting at a desk with a "Now Hiring" sign posted above them. This one replicated as the ones left all over London…Yea, they did.

Voldemort: Feels like I've been here for bloody HOURS. I'm beginning to get a migraine. Isn't there ONE normal villain without some sort of issue?

Darth: My lord, it HAS been hours.

Naraku: whose next anyway?

(Cronos speaks through the window)

Cronos: A man named Napoleon.

Voldemort: Great, another one! Send him in.

(Napoleon enters)

Napoleon: Bon Jour Masseurs'! I am ze Famouse Napoleon!

Voldemort: Next!

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! Somebody's been naughty!

Voldemort: NEXT!

Hitler runs up and gives Santa a hug.

Voldemort looks at Naraku as if searching for answers.

Darth: He loves cookies…I'm asthmatic but he insists I say cookies all the time. Dumb ass thinks I'm constantly hungry.

Voldemort: …I see…NEXT!

Tinky Winky: Tinky Winky! Dipsy! La La!

Voldemort: NEXTTT!

Wally Greeter: Thank you for shopping at Wal*Mart!

Voldemort: Oh you are vile…Next!

Hulk: HULK SMASH!

Voldemort: Wait…I thought you were a hero?

Hulk: Me work on weekends. Hulk need part time. Hulk do work on side. Me good at crushing…

Voldemort: Tempting…hmmm….nah. NEXT!


	8. Book 8: Jews

Book 8: Jews…

Weeks after the death of Osama Bin Laden, the group has preserved the body in unmeltable ice. Clearly, the work of dark magic. They have Osama propped up in a corner and mold has begun growing inside. We find the rest of the group, moping on a couch all the while Snape continues to be bereaved by the others.

Voldemort: Arghhh! Why can't we replace him? What is it I am missing! Was he so important as to be made invaluable?

Darth: Maybe you're just looking in the wrong places. I mean look at Naraku. Where the hell did you find her?

Naraku: I am still here, you realize this don't you? By the way, I am a man. I have a penis. So kindly stop referring to me as it or she.

(Snape enters swiftly)

Snape: It would seem you have a large group of visitors awaiting at the door to be employed. Shall I send them in one at a time or kill them piece by piece?

Voldemort: Send them in! Sadistic bastard…

Hitler: (Speaks in German)

Darth: He wishes to watch.

Voldemort: Very well.

(A man in a brown cloak, long brown beard, and long curly hair walks in with a highly recognizable face. In one hand he holds the ten commandments. In the other, a large staff. Hitler's jaw drops in complete fear.)

Voldemort: State your name and experience.

Jesus: I am here to purify your souls for the good of man kind. I have been reborn. Open your heart and mind for I am your savior as we-

Hitler: JEWS!

Voldemort: *sigh* Avada Ke-

Hitler: JEEEEWWWWWSSSSSS!

(Hitler grabs Voldemort in a state of panick and starts crying and rocking on Voldemorts lap.)

Voldemort: Avada Kedavra!

(Jesus turns out to be a spell and is nothing more than ash. A note falls on top of the ashes and on it reads:

"Dear Operation Destroy, (lame name btw)

I heard about you from the Daily Prophet and I just couldn't resist sending this your way. The man was nothing more than a prank. Have a lovely day.

Sincerely,

Albus Dumbledore

P.s. :

Your really oughtn't put your address into a public paper. Especially for a "secret" organization…Just saying…"

Voldemort: Blast that man and his genius. Always one step ahead of me.

Darth: Yea…that's it…riiiight…


	9. Book 9: Reimbursing a corpse

Book 9: reimbursing a corpse

Osama's death has finally taken a toll. Everyone in the group is feeling the loss of a very bad man. Naraku has stopped wearing make up. Hitler stopped yelling at a cookie he'd been interrogating for weeks and Peter Pettigrew finally got over Snape calling him doggie food.

Darth: I find it hard to believe the pest ever made an impression on us.

Cronos: Yes, it is quite upsetting to know of his decay.

(Voldemort enters holding vicodin and rum)

Voldemort: That's it! I am going to bring him back!

Darth: With drugs and alcohol…don't they do the opposite?

Voldemort: NO! I've heard that this stuff could really make a person live life!

Snape: I am quite sure that was a commercial or something.

Darth: Are you sure your not a woman?

Peter: I think I've seen that commercial.

Naraku: Yes I AM! Do I truly look like a lady?

Voldemort: No naraku, the commercial about alcohol, this is no time to bring up steven tyler.

Naraku: What on earth are you talking about?

Voldemort: what are YOU talking about. Nonsense I suppose?

Naraku: My gender.

Voldemort: Oh good have you figured it out? We've got a bet riding on it for a while now.

Peter: Ugh weren't we bringing back a dead guy…?

Darth: Yes, but when you involve lady tits it becomes a much more important issue…

Peter: …I see…

…...

Message from the author:

Hey guys,

Just wanted to thank you all for your support. I'm sorry I stopped writing for a while. A lot of stuff took over and it took me a bit of work and time, but I'm back. Feel free to leave me opinions, I do take them seriously. And I may not always use them, but I do take them into consideration so don't worry I do read your comments. Hope you guys have a great week. I will write more on Friday so enjoy your week!


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